Transitions are Hard

I sit in my living room, which is now full of strangers, thinking that this has to be some nightmare that I will wake up from. I see Haley on the steps playing quietly by herself. Tears fill my eyes. Is this her life now? Will she have to sit on the sidelines while strangers come in our house and examine this baby?

I observe as they do test after test on my newborn. They move her arms and legs which instantly flop down. They make loud noises to see if she responds. They ask to watch her nurse to see if they can determine why she won’t latch. I was up all night with her trying desperately to get her to breastfeed. I am severely sleep deprived, and if I am honest, I am still in a state of shock. I cannot do this. Everyone keeps telling me that I can, but I am not sure I believe them. I feel utterly alone.

The therapists and coordinator leave after a couple hours with their recommendations for which therapies we need to begin. How can a newborn need therapy? Thank God, my cousin is here. She works in this field, and is familiar with the emotions I am experiencing. She tells me that this will become our new normal and that it won’t always feel this overwhelming. I still want to run out the door and never look back.

Fast forward to now. Those strangers I was talking about…. Well, they certainly are not strangers now. They have become a crucial part of our family. Our coordinator has been there for me since the day Sienna was born. She has provided resources, insight, and support at every turn. She has been a vital piece of our puzzle. She took the time to find the right therapists for Sienna. Not everyone was a great fit, and she assisted me patiently until I found the team that worked best for our family. And, oh what a team we have.

Imagine if someone visited your home on a weekly basis for over two years, with the intentions of helping your child. I don’t know if it is the therapists we have or the time they have spent in our home, but they are so important to our journey. They have been a support system for me. Sienna’s nutritionist was pretty much my therapist during that first year of Sienna’s life. I called and texted her so many times, and every time she responded immediately with a resource. I could not even tell you the amount of times she’s seen me cry. Then there’s our physical therapist. Every time she arrives at our home, Sienna’s face lights up with joy. This woman is one of her best friends.

Yesterday, our coordinator and physical therapist performed an evaluation on Sienna. It doesn’t seem so foreign anymore. In fact, my cousin was right….it has become our new normal. I expected this to just be another evaluation until our coordinator pulled out the Transition Handbook and started talking to me about Sienna transitioning out of Early Intervention and into the world of IEPs. An IEP is an Individualized Education Plan.

When Sienna turns 3, her EI services will be cut off. This is how it works. It is something that has terrified me for a long time. There will be a whole new set of challenges for us. I will have to fight for inclusion. I will have to fight for services. I will need to prepare a binder and insist that my child is seen as valuable. I will have to do all of this without the support team I have had in place since Sienna rocked my world.

This is me after Sienna’s evaluation yesterday.

When our coordinator mentioned it, a pang of fear hit me immediately. Again, eyes watering and tears flowing, but for completely different reasons. I cried at the idea of them being in my house examining my newborn baby and now I am crying at the idea of them leaving us. The irony is not lost on me. Until you have sat in my shoes, you have no idea how this feels.

I know I will tackle this new challenge and I will continue to advocate for my girl. I will learn all I need to in order to ensure her success, but I am still allowed to be sad and scared. Transitions aren’t just hard for kids.

“If you are successful, it is because somewhere, sometime, someone gave you a life or an idea that started you in the right direction. Remember also that you are indebted to life until you help some less fortunate person, just as you were helped.” -Melinda Gates

 

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Let’s Talk Genetics

Before I start this blog post, I want to make sure it doesn’t take too much of a political turn.

Let me start by saying that I believe every woman has a right to choose what is best for her and her family. I am grateful that I did not find out about Sienna’s diagnosis until she was born. I don’t know if I would have had the correct facts to make an informed decision. But before anyone can make such an important decision, they should have more than medical terminology thrown at them. 

Approximately, 67% of babies in the United States who receive a prenatal Down syndrome diagnosis are terminated.
Here are some of the statistics of terminations in some other countries after a prenatal Down syndrome diagnosis:
  • 100% in Iceland
  • 98% in Denmark
  • 90% in the United Kingdom
  • 78% in France
Can you imagine having to defend your child’s value to the world around you? Sienna has something to contribute. These statistics are the exact reason this month exists. We want new moms facing this journey to know how much beauty and happiness people with Down syndrome contribute to society.
Watch as this amazing man with Down syndrome defends his right to live. It is powerful and extremely worthy of your time.
My favorite quote of Frank’s speech is, “Surely, happiness has some place in this world.”
This part of the Down syndrome journey is exhausting and it is one of the reasons I have chosen to share our lives so publicly. I have no doubt that I will be watching a video of Sienna like this someday, advocating on behalf of herself and her peers.
I hope and pray that when she is an adult that these statistics look better. Social media has provided us the opportunity to share the amazing contributions people with Down syndrome can make to society at large. Unfortunately, so much of the issue comes from lack of, or completely inaccurate, information about Down syndrome. Even medical professionals who deliver prenatal diagnoses may do so in a biased, cold, and unprofessional manner, and some even put pressure on families to abort. I spoke with a mom recently who had a prenatal diagnosis and was asked four separate times by four separate medical professionals about termination. For the record, when the first professional asked her, she said she wasn’t interested, but still the pressure surrounded her. That’s just one mom’s story. I have heard many more like it in my birth group.
If you or anyone you know ever gets a prenatal diagnosis or a birth diagnosis and needs to talk, please call me. No judgment from me. I’ll just lend you an ear and give you a clear picture of what life is really like when you have a child with Down syndrome. It’s far from what I imagined. It’s so much better.

I’d hate for the world to miss out on Sienna and her peers with Down syndrome. She enriches our life and the lives of the community around her.

I’ve decided that it’s pretty darn cool to have a kid with Down syndrome. Who wants a lifetime of nothing special? Not me.

Parenthood is hard. Just because a kid is born healthy does not mean that kid will stay healthy and be perfect. I am stealing a line from another mom I heard this week. When you become a mom, you worry about everything. My worry has a name. That’s truly the only difference.

We are so busy running from pain that we forget the beauty that comes out of hardship. Hardship builds character and strength. In those proverbial storms of our lives, if we trade our fears for comfort, we lose out on the character, the strength, and the beauty that emerges when a storm is weathered.

 

 

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Can We Stop Placating Miscarriages?

“It’s for the best. There must have been something wrong with that baby.”

“God only gives you what you can handle. You are strong. You will get through it.”

“You can get pregnant again and the next baby will be healthy.”

These are just some of the lines I heard from well meaning friends and family, when I suffered through my miscarriages. Now, I realize that a miscarriage can be a delicate situation and it’s hard to know what to say to someone going through something so difficult.

As a woman who went through multiple miscarriages and then went on to have a baby who surprised us on the day of her birth with a Down syndrome diagnosis, I can tell you that all those sentiments ran through my head for months after Sienna was born. Would people think I deserved Sienna’s diagnosis because I didn’t stop trying to get pregnant? Would people think I was too old and that it was my fault?

For the record, 80% of children with Down syndrome are born to women under the age of 35. I was 36 years old when Sienna was born. I was under the age of 35 during all of my miscarriages. So, statistics aren’t always the answer. Everybody has their own unique journey.

If you want to know what to do or how to help a woman going through a miscarriage, let me give you some advice. I needed my friends and family to acknowledge that it was okay for me to be sad. I had to hide my pain from the rest of the world. People were in such a rush to hit me up with a cliche, and divert the conversation to something else because it made them uncomfortable. Stop placating miscarriages with comments like this. Let her feel pain and tell her that she can share that pain with you. Just listen.

If you want to read about my miscarriage journey, please go here.

We have been celebrating Down syndrome Awareness month all of October, but October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. For all the moms out there whose sweet babies are now angels, I recognize your pain, your strength, and your loss. I am sorry.

“I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning.” – Sheryl Sandberg

 

 

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