Pregnancy and Newborn Amnesia

My husband and I made a proclamation prior to having our second daughter that this was it for us. We went through so much with our miscarriage journey, and we wanted to put that behind us. After all, kids are expensive and time consuming, AND also rewarding and amazing. I agreed with my husband. I still agree, I think.

Is any woman ever really ready to make that final commitment? I know pregnancy is painful, tiring, and body altering, AND life changing, beautiful, and empowering.

The butterflies in my belly, the baby flips while doing yoga, the feelings that came with growing a life inside of me…..who wants to say goodbye to that? Then, there’s the baby stage….the sweet smells, the endless snuggling, and the bond that comes with nursing. I look at pictures of my sweet girls as newborns and all I want to do is go back in time.

And for us, there’s more to consider. I worry that not giving Haley a typical sibling will put too much pressure on her as she grows up. Will she feel obligated to stay closer to home? Will she make decisions for her family instead of herself? Will we hold her back?

Now, logically, I am aware that this is not a reason to have another child. I also have learned that there are no guarantees. Pregnancy does not always end with a baby. Labor and delivery do not always end with a ‘typical’ baby. After all, you get what you get and you don’t get upset.

I go back and forth about this all the time. Our plan before Sienna was two kids, and we should stick to that plan. Then, I see a pregnant mom or a newborn and my oxytocin memories come flooding back, and I forget all that. I call it pregnancy and newborn amnesia.

Here’s the thing though. Why do we not remember how draining that stage of life can be? How quickly I forget the fact that Sienna didn’t sleep more than 3 hours at a time until she was 11 months old. I was so sleep deprived that I thought I might have a brain tumor. I forget how hard it is being dictated by a baby’s feeding schedule, their helpless cries, and their sleeping (or not sleeping) demands.

We are finally starting to get some freedom. Haley and Sienna can play together now. I can leave them alone for a few minutes and not worry. We are getting out of the house more. My husband and I are dating again. I can have a glass of wine (or four) and not worry about having to breastfeed or pump. My kitchen and living room feel bigger without the swing, the pack n play, and the exersaucer.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t daydream about those tender moments. Childhood goes way too fast, so for now, I’m going to cling to every stage and enjoy the ride. Each stage brings a new challenge, but so many new rewards. Motherhood is the hardest job out there, but it’s also the most gratifying.

I may not have those newborn snuggles anymore, but they’ve been replaced with hilarious banter between sisters, dance parties to music I never thought I’d tolerate, and nights spent going over homework. I also get 7-8 hours of sleep a night, and I love every second of it.

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Can We Stop Placating Miscarriages?

“It’s for the best. There must have been something wrong with that baby.”

“God only gives you what you can handle. You are strong. You will get through it.”

“You can get pregnant again and the next baby will be healthy.”

These are just some of the lines I heard from well meaning friends and family, when I suffered through my miscarriages. Now, I realize that a miscarriage can be a delicate situation and it’s hard to know what to say to someone going through something so difficult.

As a woman who went through multiple miscarriages and then went on to have a baby who surprised us on the day of her birth with a Down syndrome diagnosis, I can tell you that all those sentiments ran through my head for months after Sienna was born. Would people think I deserved Sienna’s diagnosis because I didn’t stop trying to get pregnant? Would people think I was too old and that it was my fault?

For the record, 80% of children with Down syndrome are born to women under the age of 35. I was 36 years old when Sienna was born. I was under the age of 35 during all of my miscarriages. So, statistics aren’t always the answer. Everybody has their own unique journey.

If you want to know what to do or how to help a woman going through a miscarriage, let me give you some advice. I needed my friends and family to acknowledge that it was okay for me to be sad. I had to hide my pain from the rest of the world. People were in such a rush to hit me up with a cliche, and divert the conversation to something else because it made them uncomfortable. Stop placating miscarriages with comments like this. Let her feel pain and tell her that she can share that pain with you. Just listen.

If you want to read about my miscarriage journey, please go here.

We have been celebrating Down syndrome Awareness month all of October, but October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. For all the moms out there whose sweet babies are now angels, I recognize your pain, your strength, and your loss. I am sorry.

“I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning.” – Sheryl Sandberg

 

 

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Full Circle

It may look like an ordinary bench with two cute little girls sitting on it, but to me it’s so much more than that. Today, I found myself coming full circle, to a point in my life that I choose not to think about, often. Hospitals hold so much power over us. Life can begin and end in a hospital. It’s a place that forces us to look at our vulnerability. Sometimes, we have to look back on a time that we were our most vulnerable, in order to see how much we’ve grown. I had that experience today.

 

 

For those of you that don’t live in Pittsburgh, I will try and explain this as simply as possible. Basically, two health insurance providers own this city. They don’t play nice with each other. You either have UPMC insurance and use all of their providers OR you have Highmark insurance and use all of their providers. Well, after a brief respite from UPMC, we now have their insurance again. Today, I had to get an ultrasound to check on some things. I had to revisit a hospital that I have not been back to since having many of my miscarriages. 

I found myself outside with the girls, waiting. As I sat on the bench, I thought about the many times I had sat there, without them. I remember sitting there wondering if there would ever be a “them”? I was here at some of the hardest moments in my life. I also sat here at some of life’s most wonderful moments. All of Haley’s ultrasounds were done here. We had a few scares with her, but she is a fighter and she came out on her due date, with no complications. A little over a year later, I was back here again. I sat here for an hour one afternoon, with my legs carelessly drooped on top of Jason’s lap with the sun shining down on us, in that courtyard. It was a carefree time in our lives. Haley was 1 and a half, and life seemed perfect. The bottom fell out right after that moment in the sunshine. I came here and sat back down, that same afternoon, after being told that the baby had no heartbeat. I sat here trying to decide whether or not to get a D and C.

During some even tougher moments, I found myself back here wondering if Haley would ever be the big sister. I wondered if I was pushing too hard for something that was not meant to be. I remember a cell phone conversation with my best friend, while I sat on this bench. “One day, this will all make sense. You will be holding another baby, and you will know why you had to wait so long. It will all make sense.” I remember it not making sense, even after I had that beautiful baby.

I sat here during my blighted ovum pregnancy, which took weeks to diagnose and several ultrasounds. It was emotional torture. I sat here and prayed before each ultrasound. I prayed that the baby had grown. I sat here after finding out the baby had not grown. I sat here many times, before and after getting blood work. I switched insurance, some time after that and the nightmare memories have since flooded Highmark facilities as well. No place is safe.

Today, I sit here with such perspective. I have my babies. They are life’s greatest gifts, and they were worth the wait. Both of them, and every perfect cell of their bodies are gifts from heaven. They were made from us and given to us, to treasure. I am grateful for their existence, in this beautiful world. I will be brutally honest, and tell you that when Sienna was born, I thought that this perspective would never come. I will even go so far as to tell you that I thought God was cruel. I, now, realize that he was sending me on a journey. I think he could have cut a little bit of time off that journey, but we did arrive at the destination, finally. The destination is not where I had planned on taking us, but I am loving it just the same. #disabilitymomlife #holland

Women are so tough. We fight through emotional and physical pain on a daily basis, without anyone knowing. I think of some of the situations that I worked and mommed through and I know that I am a serious badass. I used to be a pretty big wimp, so I am glad the journey brought me here. That being said, I am tough enough, so I’d be happy if I never see this damn bench again in my whole life.

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