It’s 2018. I’m ready to implement some changes into my life and our routine. Our overwhelming and demanding schedule has me feeling drained. Something has to change. I am running on empty. I know I am not the best version of myself. So, I started reflecting on what changes I could make to give myself more energy, make my body feel better physically, and accomplish everything on our daily task list. What New Year’s resolution could help with that? I knew that I didn’t want to give anything up on our schedule. Sienna is finally starting to make some significant changes in her physical capabilities and I attribute that to our additional PT sessions at the Children’s Institute. I started to think about how great I feel when I am making time for yoga. I need to make that a priority. I always walk into a yoga class with one goal in mind; to create space where there was none. I repeat this mantra to myself throughout every class. It’s easy to get in your head about petty nonsense, even during yoga. I catch myself clenching muscles, looking in the mirror, criticizing myself. How do I look doing this pose? My inner dialogue goes like this, “I look awful. I’ve let myself go this year. STOP!! Create space where there was none. That’s all you need to do.” Then, I refocus. My mind does wonder, but I always come back to this mantra. It always works for me. It grounds me and gives me a safe, reasonable goal and it forces me to take things as they come with one simple strategy. I started thinking about how I could take this same simple goal and implement it not only physically to my body, but figuratively in my life.
So, what are some areas in my life where I could apply this goal? Well, my blog, for instance…this is my own space to create what I want. I can share my perspective, my family’s experience with a kid with Down syndrome, my life as a stay at home Mom, my experiences and innermost thoughts. I’ve let it slide these past few months and I tried to dig deep and think about why that was. No excuses. Believe me, I’ve got the excuses. It’s easy to make them especially when your life is consumed. But pushing that to the side for a minute, why haven’t I been writing? I enjoy it and it’s been therapeutic. Why had I stopped writing, aside from the I’ve been busy BS? It’s the same reason I lose sight of that mantra during a yoga class. Insecurity. Self involvement. Fear. I’d be lying if I said everyone in my life was supportive about this blog I’ve created. Some people think I share too much and they let me know it. People have made comments about me being too into this Ds thing we live with. For the record, I’ll advocate and share to my heart’s content and if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Some people have just been completely silent about the blog, and that got in my head as well, because like I said I am self involved. That’s not to say I have not had positive feedback as well, but I focus on the negative because that’s what I do. So, the motivation to write dwindled as the inner dialogue got more and more judgmental. I had thought about sitting down and writing my own metoo experience for the blog, but I caught myself asking friends and family if it was going too far, sharing too much. So, I’m making a vow right here and now. No filter. No limits. I’m keeping it simple. I’m going to create space where there was none. I can’t promise I’ll do it every week, but I’m going to try. If I catch myself questioning if I’m sharing too much, too little, how I sound, I’m stopping those thoughts and telling myself to stick to the mantra. Create space where there was none.
Where else can I apply this goal? Time. Have I mentioned we don’t have much of it? Our days pretty much go like this:
6-7 am The kids wake me up
7 am – 8:45 am Cook the girls their breakfasts. Dress them and get us out the door.
9 – 11 am Take Haley to school. Guzzle caffeine. Get Sienna to whatever therapy we have that day.
11 – 11:45 Get Sienna lunch and get her down for a nap. Go pick up Haley from school.
12-2 pm Make Haley lunch. Do a load of laundry. Shovel crumbs on the counter down my throat. Finally, take a shower.
2 – 4 pm Sienna is up. Feed her and Haley a snack. Start to clean up the crazy house. Figure out dinner and start to make it.
The rest of the day depends on whether or not Jason is traveling. Most of the time, we have errands to run too…food shopping, target runs, Haley’s gymnastics and art classes, doctor’s appointments. But I know I’m not the only one with a crazy schedule. I have to find a way to create space where there was none. I have to force myself to find it. Every day, I’m going to tell myself to create 30 minutes for myself. I have to manage our time more wisely. Do you know what would help with that?
Organization. 2018 is going to be the year I purge. No more holding onto junk. I’m taking the 2018 30 day #declutterlikeamother challenge. This week we have been focusing on bathrooms and closets. You should see all the space I’ve created by tossing old makeup and kids’ bath toys. It feels good. If I have this house more organized, I will get things done more quickly and it will ultimately help with that time dilemma I am dealing with.
What else? Motherhood. Lately, I’ve become so consumed with checklists and Sienna’s therapy goals. I need to take a page from Haley’s book. I’m dedicating more time to playing with the girls. I want to be silly with them. The dishes can wait. The laundry will be there when we’re done. I’m not just finding a craft to do with them to kill time. I’m pretending to be a giant that’s chasing them in the woods. I’m taking the cushions off the couch and pretending the carpet is hot lava that we can’t touch. I’m reading books to them every day, not just at bed time. I’m creating memories, space where there was none.
You get the idea. I don’t know if this mantra of mine will work, but I’m happy to start the year out this way. My big takeaway is that I cannot let fear, insecurity, and self involvement take over. I have to be okay with owning and enjoying this space I’m creating. Thanks for reading.