I cried at the dentist yesterday. I wasn’t in pain. I had never been to this dentist before. She looked at me, took me in, and said to me, “I can tell just by looking at you that you are completely overwhelmed. You look stressed out. Why haven’t you been to the dentist in the last three years?” The floodgates opened. Where to begin?
I want to preface this by saying that I love my life. I would not change a single thing about it, but lately I feel like I am running on empty. I’m drowning. I know that all of us live busy lives. Parenting is a juggling act. There is an extra set of worries, activities, and appointments that come with parenting a child with a disability. I have put myself on the back burner for a long time. We all do it. We are moms. We put ourselves last. It all came to a head for me recently. My health and my body finally told me to slow down.
This dentist brought up the fact that I have osteoporosis. She asked questions that no one has in a while. She asked how I was dealing with the back pain from carrying Sienna when I have had fractures. She asked when I had been to an endocrinologist, my PCP, and when I had my last bone density scan. It’s been years. She told me I looked thin and asked if I had lost weight. Spoiler alert; I have. I am not being dramatic when I say that I don’t have time to eat. When I am stressed out, I lose my appetite.
Every day, I wake up and there are at least 3 activities on our schedule. Sienna has 6 therapies per week, and all but one involve us leaving the house. She has extra checkups, tests, IEP meetings and doctor visits. Haley has camps, dance, playdates and piano lessons. She also was on Daniel Tiger this summer, which involved a series of auditions. I realize that these are activities I willingly signed up for, but I don’t want her to miss out on anything because her sister has a disability. If you’re a mom, you know what mom guilt feels like. All I can say is that having a child with a disability adds more guilt to your plate. More worries about everyone getting what they need, except you. I don’t know how to fix it. Every month I tell myself that next month I will get a break. Next month will be different, but it isn’t.
Right now, Sienna is getting her first nap of the week. This is my only break. My husband travels during the week, so this is my quiet time. I am actually writing on my computer instead of on the notes section of my phone. That’s how I write most of my blogs. In between therapies, moments in the car, in the grocery store, a thought will hit me and onto my phone I go. The notes section of my phone are the ramblings of a lunatic, but it’s my self care. I may not have time to fit in all the self care I had previously, but it’s something. Putting these thoughts out into the universe is the one therapy that I have. It’s mine. These are my words. My thoughts. My jigsaw puzzle of a life. One day, I will read these blog entries and wonder how I did it all.
I just want to take the time to say to all the moms that feel the same way that I do, you’re doing a great job. You may be completely overwhelmed, but you matter. You may show up to activities unshowered and stressed out, but you’re there. You may cry at a dentist appointment, but at least you got there. You may only get moments to yourself in a bathroom but cherish them. One of my dearest friends gave me an article last week titled, “The Highly Haphazard Woman” by Taffy Brodesser-Akner. She is my new spirit animal. I am gonna quote her, “They wanted to know how to do it, but only if it meant slowing down, doing one thing at a time, thinking one thought at a time(but sometimes none). They wanted predictability and to never know pain in the offing. That’s fair, I would say, but then you won’t accomplish that much.” To all the moms out there accomplishing small tasks every day, bravo.