“Mooooommmmmy!!!! She’s doing it again,” Haley yells while uproariously laughing. I run in the room making sure they are both okay. I turn and see Sienna throwing her toys, while screaming no and ouch. Haley is in a pile of giggles on the floor with her eyes watering. “Haley go to your room. You are not helping,” I yell angrily. She busts out of the room. I turn to Sienna while gently saying no and cleaning up. I try to redirect and not react. She doesn’t stop. I get hit in the head for the fiftieth time that week with a toy. I keep my cool and walk away. I go in Haley’s room. Immediately, I am greeted with frustration, “Mommy, you never yell at her when she does something wrong. Why do you always yell at me when I do something wrong but Sienna never gets in trouble? It’s not fair.”
Do you feel that? It’s a guilt arrow and it got me.
To most people on the outside looking in, this is a normal disagreement among siblings. But most people don’t have one typically developing child and another child with Down syndrome. I need to handle their behaviors and our communication in very different ways, utilizing separate techniques. In the eyes of my five year old, this is not fair. I know she will understand someday, but that day is not today. In her little eyes, I am being unfair. I try to explain, but it’s complicated.
Haley doesn’t know that her brain functions in a way that is different than her sister’s. She doesn’t realize that I cannot lose my temper in front of Sienna. When Sienna sees me being very animated, she gets the reaction she craves. Anger and joy both come in at the same speed and it’s a stimulation that Sienna seeks out. She is craving that reaction, and Haley is the motherland of reactions. She laughs at every bad behavior Sienna initiates. It’s a viscous cycle and one I have to put a stop to now, before it gets worse. How?
One suggestion from a respected psychologist whose book I am currently reading is bribery. He uses some fancy therapy word to describe it and then goes into an explanation about how a paycheck is something you are rewarded with for positive behavior and this is the same thing. Soon enough, I will have an m&m jar on my kitchen counter, and when Haley controls herself and doesn’t laugh after Sienna exhibits a negative behavior, Haley will get an m&m. I know it might seem extreme, but these are the strategies we need to adopt. I am also hoping this helps Haley feel like she is an important part of Sienna’s behavioral discipline. I want to let her play a role in the process. For Haley, being appointed responsibility is a reward.
I believe in arming myself with information in order to help Sienna. The book I mentioned has been very helpful in developing strategies.
Here is an excerpt from that book, Supporting Positive Behavior in Children and Teens with Down Syndrome written by David Stein, Psy.D.
“When a typically developing child learns something new – either by hearing it explained or seeing it in action – her brain processes that information and then “encodes” it by transferring it to longer-term memory. Next, her brain “consolidates” the information, or stores it permanently. The most crucial difference for children with DS is the new information is not transferred into longer-term memory and stored as easily or consistently.”
I find this both fascinating and key to teaching Sienna. I have noticed that it takes Sienna constant repetition in order for her to remember things that Haley instantly remembered. Sienna and I spend time going over first word flashcards daily. We review the big book of first words. We go over new letters on the fridge and in the tub every day. It takes many more repetitive tasks for something to sink in. When I read this excerpt, I was so relieved to understand the differences in the brains of children with DS. I also started to realize that maybe having this one up on information is a blessing. Do you know how many children have behavior issues and parents just spin their wheels trying to determine how to help them? We have an early roadmap on Sienna’s brain.
When we understand the differences in the way our kids with Down syndrome function, we can give them the tools needed to succeed. And when I dig even deeper, isn’t this true with all children? I am sure you have different parenting techniques for each child in your house no matter what their capabilities.
“We cannot be reluctant to lead and you cannot lead from behind.” -Condoleezza Rice