Pregnancy and Newborn Amnesia

My husband and I made a proclamation prior to having our second daughter that this was it for us. We went through so much with our miscarriage journey, and we wanted to put that behind us. After all, kids are expensive and time consuming, AND also rewarding and amazing. I agreed with my husband. I still agree, I think.

Is any woman ever really ready to make that final commitment? I know pregnancy is painful, tiring, and body altering, AND life changing, beautiful, and empowering.

The butterflies in my belly, the baby flips while doing yoga, the feelings that came with growing a life inside of me…..who wants to say goodbye to that? Then, there’s the baby stage….the sweet smells, the endless snuggling, and the bond that comes with nursing. I look at pictures of my sweet girls as newborns and all I want to do is go back in time.

And for us, there’s more to consider. I worry that not giving Haley a typical sibling will put too much pressure on her as she grows up. Will she feel obligated to stay closer to home? Will she make decisions for her family instead of herself? Will we hold her back?

Now, logically, I am aware that this is not a reason to have another child. I also have learned that there are no guarantees. Pregnancy does not always end with a baby. Labor and delivery do not always end with a ‘typical’ baby. After all, you get what you get and you don’t get upset.

I go back and forth about this all the time. Our plan before Sienna was two kids, and we should stick to that plan. Then, I see a pregnant mom or a newborn and my oxytocin memories come flooding back, and I forget all that. I call it pregnancy and newborn amnesia.

Here’s the thing though. Why do we not remember how draining that stage of life can be? How quickly I forget the fact that Sienna didn’t sleep more than 3 hours at a time until she was 11 months old. I was so sleep deprived that I thought I might have a brain tumor. I forget how hard it is being dictated by a baby’s feeding schedule, their helpless cries, and their sleeping (or not sleeping) demands.

We are finally starting to get some freedom. Haley and Sienna can play together now. I can leave them alone for a few minutes and not worry. We are getting out of the house more. My husband and I are dating again. I can have a glass of wine (or four) and not worry about having to breastfeed or pump. My kitchen and living room feel bigger without the swing, the pack n play, and the exersaucer.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t daydream about those tender moments. Childhood goes way too fast, so for now, I’m going to cling to every stage and enjoy the ride. Each stage brings a new challenge, but so many new rewards. Motherhood is the hardest job out there, but it’s also the most gratifying.

I may not have those newborn snuggles anymore, but they’ve been replaced with hilarious banter between sisters, dance parties to music I never thought I’d tolerate, and nights spent going over homework. I also get 7-8 hours of sleep a night, and I love every second of it.

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Kindness for the Win

Reflecting on this past month, I realize how challenging it will be to put into words the impact it has had on not only me, but my kids, and our community. Watch the video below for more perspective and be sure and read the rest of our post for more about our wonderful experiences this past month.

It all began with a trip to the store on a Saturday afternoon with my 5 year old, Haley. I had a list of items we needed to purchase in order to fulfill our 21 acts of kindness for the month. For those of you that don’t know, Sienna has 3 copies of her 21st chromosome. During October, one of the ways we celebrated her uniqueness was by performing 21 acts of kindness.

As Haley and I were driving to the store, I asked her what she thought we could do that would be kind. At first, the usual stuff came up. ‘Let’s make cookies for our neighbors. Can I have some too?’ Then I chose to dig a little deeper. Sometimes, I think we shelter our kids too much. I know I am guilty of it. We want to protect them. This was one of those times that I decided Haley was mature enough to handle reality. I asked her what she thought it meant to be homeless. We discussed the homeless men in our neighborhood that hold up signs asking for help. I love the innocence of children. Everything is so simple to them. ‘Why don’t they just get houses, Mommy?’ This led to a discussion on economics, war, and poverty.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, sometimes I am too transparent with Haley. I am too transparent with everyone. Just read my blog. She could handle it though. At first, she suggested giving them money. She even asked if Dada could give them jobs, since he had helped Uncle Dave get a job. I told her it wasn’t that simple, but that she was on the right track. I asked her, “If you were homeless, what are some things you might need?” We went up and down the aisles as she picked out t-shirts, water bottles, toothpaste, socks, coloring books, and deodorant (my suggestion). We walked around the store, going through our list, talking about how what we were doing was going to make other people happy. We were in WalMart (the epicenter of LOL dolls, Haley’s favorite toy), and as we walked by the toy section, she turned to me and said, “Getting an LOL doll isn’t about being kind to other people, so let’s not get one today.” My mouth dropped and I said, “Okay.”

We went home and made our treats. We dropped them off to neighbors and friends. The next day, Haley brought them into school along with flowers for her teachers. We spent an afternoon in a shopping center handing out flowers and Starbucks gift cards. People thanked us and one lady told Haley that she had made her whole day. We got in the car and Haley said, “Mommy, you are right. Doing things for other people does make me feel good.” She meant it. This whole experience has had a positive impact on Haley. She thinks about kindness often now. She isn’t perfect. She’s a kid, but this exercise opened the door to meaningful dialogue about the joy of giving.

For another act of kindness, we spent a morning at a local school reading our favorite Down syndrome advocacy book to a first grade class. I brought Haley along for the ride. I wanted to introduce her to the ways we can advocate for her sister. This also brought up some meaningful conversation. The concept of Down syndrome is really hard to grasp at 5 years old. She just knows that her sister does things at a slower pace, but she doesn’t care, because she’s her sister. When other kids ask why Sienna isn’t walking yet, it baffles Haley. One of the kids asked that question during our visit. That same question is always asked by her friends. When we got in the car, she said, “Why do people care so much about Sienna walking?” I explained that it is something that makes her different so sometimes people notice it, but that’s okay. We like different in our house, right? “Mommy, everybody is different. Nobody is the same. So, why does it matter?” Again, my kid is buddha. You want some insight? Spend an afternoon with a kindergartener.

We really did enjoy our time at that school. The kids were all scooting on the ground with Sienna at one point. They loved playing with our little spider monkey. We made tie dye socks and talked about their differences. I walked away feeling positive about the experience, but it is sometimes hard to tell if you are reaching kids. That night, I got home and had a message from a mom of a child we had read to that morning. It reaffirmed my belief that advocating on Sienna’s behalf is rewarding and meaningful. This mom said her little girl had fallen in love with Sienna. She wanted our mailing address to send a picture her daughter had made for Sienna. She thanked me for introducing differences to her daughter and said it opened the door to a powerful conversation.

Truly, I am just giving you the Cliff Notes version of this month. People have asked me if I make any money doing this blog. I don’t, but this month I feel I was paid far and above anything money could do for my soul. The feedback I have received in letters, messages, and emails have brought tears to my eyes and fulfillment to my heart. I have heard from other parents in our community, parents and siblings of adults with Down syndrome, students in the genetics counseling session I presented to, and people in general just thanking me for educating them and opening their eyes to the beauty of our unique life. So, I might not make any money doing this, but I will take payment in kindness any day. Thank you for following us and we hope you will continue to come back for more as we progress into the holidays.

“I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.” -Maya Angelou

Here are some highlights from our month.

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An Open Letter to Kim Kardashian

Dear Kim,

You and I aren’t so different. We are both mothers. We both had to fight hard to conceive and deliver our kids. Like you, I had Asherman’s syndrome. I endured the hysteroscopies and the endless ultrasounds. I went through miscarriages. We both had our struggles, but we both ended up with beautiful children.

Unlike you, I ended up getting an extra surprise on the day of my daughter’s birth. You see, she was born with Down syndrome. I was completely unprepared for her diagnosis. I loved my child fiercely, as only a mother can do, but I struggled. I had to deal with a whole new set of worries in unchartered territory.

I am happy to say that today, I am an advocate for my daughter in every sense of the word. My daughter amazes me. She is brave, determined, and joyful. She has taught my family endless lessons. She is more alike than different. As her mother, I worry. I worry about how the other kids in school will treat her, and how they will perceive her. And my biggest worry of all is that someone someday will call her a “r****d”.

That word is now considered hate speech. Did you know that when you used that word live on social media yesterday? I know you said that you made a mistake. I give the people in my life grace when they use this word. I correct them and explain why it is so hurtful to myself and my daughter. But I give them grace.

However, I do not think I can grant you that same grace. Here is why. You are a public figure. You want the success that comes with being a celebrity, then do better. If you are filming, choose your words carefully. Choose them as carefully as you choose your wardrobe, because words matter.

Some teenager out there that worships you saw that video you posted and thinks it’s cool to use that word now. Who is the victim in all of that? My daughter and her peers. Mother to mother, I am begging you to remove that word from your vocabulary. I would not be the advocate I claim to be if I did not confront you about this. Spread the word to end this word.

Sincerely,

One Pissed Rockin’ Mom

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